Why did I flail and get all upset when he honked his horn at me on the corner? Traffic was still going by in both directions. We did not have the right of way. They did not have a stop sign and yet he honked! How rude!!! I flailed my arms up above the seats faster than my thoughts. I looked at him in the rear view mirror and then pointed in both directions of the cars coming into view as if he could see me. He did and he raised his hands with palms towards me in some apologetic jester. I was not softened by it. My heart and mind were reeling. “Duh!!! The person in front of you is stopped for a reason,” I thought out loud. When the traffic cleared I made my left turn. He did, too. I got a bit ahead as I didn’t want him near me.
Grief has an edge to it and accentuates my feelings; shortening my reaction times or rather, I forget to hit the pause button and breathe for 10 seconds before I react. And on that corner, at that stop sign yesterday, I didn’t remember this… I just flailed my arms and expressed indignant feelings for another mile as I drove toward the highway.
Flailing as I did, I learned less than an hour later, was about my need to know I was OK. That I had not done anything wrong and to be accused of such, by the honk of the horn, was to be questioned… was to tell me that I was not in the right place.
Thank goodness I was on my way to my practitioner session. At first I wasn’t going to share this little scene as there were other things I wanted to talk about. But over half way through our session, I shared about the encounter on the corner. She asked me about the flailing and what I thought it was about for me. I paused and said, “I’m not sure, but I knew traffic was coming and I couldn’t go… I wasn’t doing anything wrong.” Ah… the nugget of truth… I needed to know I was OK, that nothing was or is wrong in the bigger picture. The little girl inside me needed to feel safe and assured… not accused and pushed. It wasn’t about the blue truck behind me and his inappropriate honking as one would initially observe, it was about trying to do my best during this time of my life and feeling that I am OK in the midst of much change and shifting emotions. I needed to just hold my heart and say, “Your OK. Nothing is wrong, you haven’t done anything wrong.” His honking wasn’t about me, but my reactions to his honking were and in that I learned what was needed. I am OK right where I am and as I heard this, I teared up. Funny how we do that when the truth of our being is revealed.